~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Story #46
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was born a female incarnation April 27, 1963 during the worst thunderstorm of the year. I think HS was warning the world. I’m the youngest of five kids. We lived in the middle of the US in a tiny town. My mom is a warm and caring person. My bothers, sisters and I were always the focus of her life. My dad is bipolar, so things were always interesting. The calm side of him is as warm and caring as my mom, but the nasty side is razor sharp. He was never, ever physically abusive, but could say some really mean things that hit as hard as a fist. I understand now that he really couldn’t help the things he said and did. When the calm dad was around, we had a lot of fun. We never had a lot of money, but he’d take us camping, fishing, or hiking in the woods. He’d show us different plants and animal tracks, or which mushrooms you could eat, and which were poison. I can remember him packing me out of the woods on his shoulders and feeling like I was 50 feet tall.

I never really had any issues with myself as a small child, but became body ID’d as soon I started school. It didn’t take long for the more socially elite kids to inform me that I was fat (I know now that I really wasn’t) and weird. I misunderstood my mom’s instructions not to fight as not being allowed to defend myself. I became self-conscience and introverted and very much the victim. I retreated into a fantasy world, hid in my bedroom and ate some more. I was a junior in high school before I got tired of the shit and snapped out of the victim hood loop. I went from turn the other cheek to up in your face almost over night. Frankly I enjoyed the hell out of it then and I still do today.

While the other kids were playing sports or talking about the latest fashion trends or local gossip I was reading. Not Nancy Drew or Harlequin Romances. I was combing the library for anything and everything paranormal. Ghosts, UFO’s, psychic phenomena, Bigfoot, you name it, I read it. Not only was I labeled weird, I seemed to attract odd events. I’ve witnessed UFOs repeatedly since I was a small child. Astral beings seem to like to hang around. I’ve seen and heard more out of the ordinary things than most would believe. After awhile I just quit telling people about it. No one listened anyway. Fearing these things was another loop to break. They just don’t bother me anymore.

Somewhere in time I have another incarnation who’s spent lot of time developing their art skills. Since before kindergarten I’ve been able to sit down with a pencil and sketch a near perfect portrait. “How do you do that?” people ask. “I just draw what I see.” No art lessons, no classes in school. I just can.

There are two experiential loops that have never been a problem for me. Religion and death of the physical body. I’ve always known religion is crap and I’ve never been afraid of death. My major loops I deal with are my immense body ID issues and addiction to nicotine. Yeah, buddy I love my smokes. At my mid advanced incarnational level, I have several loops and fences, but I’ve accepted my level and just do my best to work on them and take things as they come.

When I first discovered the Leading Edge website and the Matrix volumes I’d been on my quest for answers for years. I’d always known that there was more to “reality and me” than just those things I could perceive with my five senses. I’d read books, studied, meditated, listened to tapes and CD’s but never found anything that really made sense or helped me feel as if I’d really found some answers. I always had the nagging in my brain that I was missing something obvious and that one day I would figure it out and have the great “ah ha!” moment of my life. I scoured the website and knew I had to have Matrix V Gold Edition. When I finally received and read the book I went through the whole gamut of emotions. I was mad as hell, sad as hell, elated and astonished. It quite literally took me a year to come to grips with the information inside. Each volume that has followed has helped me to find myself. I mean who I truly am. I can accept and enjoy the gifts and limits of my level of incarnation. I can enjoy what I am as this incarnation. I’ve released the need to try to be something I’m not capable of being at this level and have learned to trust in my Higher Self. I find a level of personal peace knowing that somewhere in time I have an awakened or awakening finale incarnation who’s reaping great benefits from my reading of the Matrix Volumes.

I’m fortunate enough to live in the rural Midwest. When I catch myself worrying about the unknown, I leash up one of my dogs and walk the beautiful countryside. I have a great attachment to the earth spirit and nature. I love nothing more than the thrill of having an eagle fly so close overhead that you can see it’s eyes. Coyote, deer, bobcat and hawks are my neighbors. My wolf dogs keep me grounded and I truly enjoy their honesty. There’s a hill where we walk and in the early summer the fields are full of thousands and thousand of yellow butterflies. They light on you as you walk and hitch a ride up the hill. It’s an amazing site and I always mentally thank the earth spirit for the wonderful place that shim has created.

I don’t want to talk much about my personal life, but I will share that I am married and have an adult daughter. I’ve found myself enjoying a few bisexual experiences, but nothing serious has come of it. My husband is my friend and my daughter has matured into a responsible if somewhat dramatic young woman. She has great potential if she can get a handle on her emotions. I used to allow both my husband and my daughter to take advantage of me, but the Matrix Volumes have given me the backbone to put a stop to that and both husband and daughter have accepted the new me much easier than I expected.

So, if the aliens land or the nuclear weapons fly I expect to be one of the few who won’t freak out. Above all else, I trust in my Higher Self.